i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
