So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
