After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
