Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm like, not good at living.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
