So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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