My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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