please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
