I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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