Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
