I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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