I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
