I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
