i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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