I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
