Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
