i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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