I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
