hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
