I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
