I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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