You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
birth control should be required to get into college
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
