There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
