come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
