sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
