I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
