decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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