I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
