Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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