I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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