yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
