I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
