I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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