I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
