My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
