So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
