eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
