On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
