hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
