16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
