i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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