I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
