have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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