Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
