Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
