i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
