Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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