In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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