Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
