she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
