I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
