Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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