I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
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